Sesekali.

Balik awal pagi tadik dari Tehran.
Ada 13 wheelchair. Passengers yang dah tak larat nak jalan and going for umrah.
Terdetik dalam hati when I look at this people, esok aku dah tua macam nih la.
What will happened when I am old and withered.
I have no one but myself.
Who will take care of me. Tak de anak, tak de laki.

What should I do when I am old and have no more value to this world?
Sapa nak jaga grumpy old women who once thought she has everything in this world to look forward to?
Ap yang akan aku tinggalkan untuk dunia nih?
Nothing.
Maybe my kids as in my nieces/nephew will think of me lovingly as I have colored their lives, giving advices when they go thru all kinds of situation yang dirasakan dunia akan berakhir or help to buy printers for their assignments?

Jika ada umur, semua akan merasa tua. Just I dont want to jadik org tua yang menyusahkan orang lain. When the time come, maybe I will resolve to do what need to be done. I will go quietly. Once in a while..when I go thru websites of people who died commit suicide. NO...it is not because of my recent turmoil, no I am not thinking of doing it now. When I am old and useless.
Itu pun kalau ajal tak menjemput sebelumnya. I want to die before I become a burden to anyone. I am not afraid of getting old, dont get me wrong. the part yang tak berguna lagik tu yang tak sanggup.

I spoke of it to one of my confidant. Dia kata I am ridiculous. And told me stuff from religion point of view. I understand. Dia kata tanah tak terima orang yg take their own life. I am just wondering, what if u have no more purpose in life>? God would understand my reason. Nak hidup segan, mati ?

The afterlife tu yang tak abis pikir. I am just afraid I wont see my father, my favourite uncle and my grandma. Tu jek.

Kher, Pak and neney, I miss u guys.